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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 26, 2013 10:00am-10:30am PST

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"really nice." i wanted to go, "oh, i'm sorry. am i ruining this romantic george gershwin moment in-- in the summer twilight of manhattan?" which, i said none of that, by the way. i just kept my head down. "please finish. please." he finished. i picked up his poo. i fled. and in my head, i'm thinking, i've gotta get out of this hellhole city. i hate it here so much. but then i realized, me and my dog were part of that crackhead's conversation later on about his horrible night out. he was like, "i gotta get the hell outta this city. you're not gonna-- listen to this [bleep]. so earlier, me and blue nipples go down the 50th street grime tunnel, right? he's gonna give me one of his patented dry-tongued, four-toothed blow jobs
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for what he thinks is a ziploc baggie of crack, although what i done-- i cut up a bar of ivory soap, 'cause nothing feels better than cheating my only friend out of fellatio, right? yeah, so, ah, i have fun. so anyway... i'm as hard as a towel rack, and some recently showered, well-dressed ass[bleep] and his small, well-behaved dog come down the goddamn grime tunnel. the dog starts taking a dump not ten feet from where i am. i go half soft. i dribble my chemically poisoned [bleep] all over the keds i stole off that blind black kid. i gotta get the [bleep] outta this city. it robs you of your goddamn humanity!" thank you, seattle! [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you, guys. thank you. oh, man. thank you. good night! [cheers and applause]
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest is donnie wahlberg going to be joining us later on the program on the... lonnie anderson. that's the woman i would be. ( applause )
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if you can be any animal, if you can be any woman but nobody ever asked me are you satisfied with you? (laughing) a little bit of housekeeping. last week we did a very clever bit on our program called 19th century news. within the bit we had very witty fun concerning mississippi's just recently ratifying the 13th amendment. agreeing to end slavery, a mere 148 years after. after the rest of us. as many of you know, if i am bringing up something that we did on the show last week, i'm probably about to apologize for it. maybe i'm apologizing to mississippi as painting it to some kind of reluctant entrant to modern morality. yes, no. it concerns a former mississippi secretary of state who presided over a 1995 attempt to ratify the 13th amendment. it failed due to a bureaucratic
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snafu >> their former secretary of state failed to send a copy of the resolution to the federal registrar. >> jon: classic. here's my impression of him mailing mississippi's 13th amendment ratification to the federal registrar. "so glad we did this. that's really nice. let me just put this in the mailbox." oh, what fun! let me explain what we did just there. we used the gentleman by the name of dick molfuss largely because his name was dick molfuss as an avitar for casual bigotry forgetting that perhaps dick molfuss is a real person with a real record on civil rights. you may be thinking to yourself, couldn't you just look that up?
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yeah, we could have. or, or we could have remained smugly satisfied with the funny name. we went with b mainly because i am a made 12-year-old boy trapped in a 75-year-old man's body. so as it turns out dick molfuss -- don't get tickled by the name, johnny boy -- it turns out dick molfuss has a long and distinguished record of speaking out for civil rights in mississippi. he's an honorable and good man. who in the '90s led the charge on big voting rights reforms there. in 1989 he spoke at a 25th anniversary memorial for the three civil rights activists murdered outside philadelphia mississippi during the summer, a speech that earned mr. molpus death threats. apparently bitter racists live longer than you would think.
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anyway, we found out all this, i'd say, about a half hour after it aired on a thursday night i might add. not the best night for us to make a mistake. sincere apologies to mr. molpus. he did not ask us for apologize. no one contacted us to complain. my guess is they don't even know we're alive and are probably too busy trying to make a difference in this world, to care. we apologize because, well, we like to believe there's still a little dick molpus in all of us. ( cheers and applause ) and that even elitist pricks like me can sometimes still pick up that 3:00 a.m. conscience wake-up call and that...
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(music). that sounded pretty good, man. what's next on the show? >> the commonwealth is preparing to repeal a 136-year-old law that makes it illegal for unmarried virginian couples to live together. >> jon: damn you, south. do not make me [bleep] on you. so you're saying virginia's not really for lovers? next you'll tell me michigan's not for bringing lemonade and condoms to someone who turns out to be nbc's... we'll apologize tomorrow. i guess we'll find out when virginia passed that law in tonight's episode of "19th century news." hello, everybody. my most he's teemed viewers, 'tis i your humble host. my guest tonight florence
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nightingale. she's written a new book on something called antiseptics and their role in fighting deadly infections on the irish. first the 1800s people. first, a brief word from our sponsor. when it's friday night and you don't have to be anywhere 'til tuesday. anyway, our top story tonight, virginia has banned living in sin. no longer shall unmarried men and women terrorize our good state with their privates behind closed doors relationship. in technology news there's a brand new labor saving device on the market called chinese people. chinese people because building a railroad is expensive. and hard.
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wow. that show is something. isn't it? we have come a long way in this country. i cannot believe we used to exploit chinese labor to build our technology. ( cheers and applause ) of course, that virginia no cohabitation law probably hasn't been enforced for 100 years >> it hasn't been enforced apparently since the 1990s when day care operator darlene davis had her business license held up because she was living with her man. >> jon: are you [bleep] kidding me? they had to be stopped? most normal states would just be happy they found each other. virginia, but this is only a start in virginia's effort to stay current with the last century.
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>> the statue has been one of those lingering legal curiosities like the law against washing your mule on the sidewalk, no hunting on sundays and our famous anti-sodomy statute sniem your famous anti-sodomy statute? you talk about that the same way masons talked about their hot dogs. virginia, come for the beaches. stay because we incarcerated you forgetting a blow job. and this isn't the first victory for the state senator who spearheaded the repeal adam evan >> he has targeted old laws before >> i repealed the law against serving sangria about six years ago. we're working at them one at a time. >> jon: why is that guy so familiar? wait a minute. is that the same the same man of the sidewalk mule washer stand. virginia, stop that man. we'll be right
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back to the show. as you may know instead of steep budget cuts known as the sequester rapidly approaching is the subject of our new recurring segment. congress passed and the president signed into law the
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sequester, $1.2 trillion in automatic spending cuts over ten years that would kick in unless we came up with a cooperative deficit reduction plan. we put this into place because... why did we do that again? >> when all sides agreed to the sequester a year-and-a-half ago, those automatic across-the-board sending cuts, were supposed to be so painful it would force the president and congress to make a deal. >> jon: so what happens if this sequester kicks in? >> just in time for spring national parks like yosemite will see their services cut. >> jon: all right. i wasn't going there anyway. >> 700,000 civilian defense department workers to take one day off a week, a 20% pay cut. >> jon: as long as iran doesn't attack on a thursday, you know. i'm sure it will be fine >> the sequester could devastate our economy. >> fewer f.b.i. agents kids kicked out of child care
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program >> fewer air traffic controllers. nearly $4 million could be slashed to provide males for needy shortages. in texas nearly 10,000 fewer children will receive vaccines for diseases like whooping cough and the flu. >> jon: holy [bleep]. we're doomed. we're going to have to get jobs feeding sick children to old people. why did i only buy the hat? (crying) please tell me there's still time to fix things. >> this is the final countdown. we are just four days from the sequester deadline. >> jon: four days. that's not enough time to do anything. can't even tow a cruiseship of diarrhea to alabama in four days. are they at least working hard
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on fixing this some >> lawmakers left town for a week-long recess >> president obama played golf with tiger woods in florida last weekend sniem i'm sure tiger woods has a lot of sequester advice. "i don't know, mr. president. did you ever try hitting it with a club?" i don't know. for more on the sequester we go to samantha bee in washington. the sequester is four days away. we're staring into the economic abyss. what is going on down there >> reporter: nothing, jon. everything will work out just fine. no need to panic. not like we're four days away from everything we know as the american way of life being destroyed. which is why i have in no way spent the last eight hours having sex with literally everything that moves. >> jon: sam, i mean you really sound like the world is ending >> reporter: that's right, jon. if you were smart you'd be bucket listing too.
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>> jon: i want to bucket list. the president is bucket listing >> reporter: golf with tiger woods? before that, the miami heat? an afternoon with the ladies of modern family. you know the first lady's bucket listing too >> jon: what is she bucket listing >> reporter: the bangs, jon. nobody over the age of 16 gets bangs unless they know the end is near. that is not all she's been up to. dancing like beyonce with jimmy fallon. giving away the oscar for best picture. personally i would have gone with winning an oscar. you know, it's on my list. >> jon: if this were true shouldn't they be warning the entire country about this >> reporter: yeah because this administration is all about transparency. they want us to know everything. benghazi, drones. that room in the white house basement that is full of biden clones. >> jon: biden clones? forget it.
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what about the republicans? they have to know about this. why aren't they going bucket list crazy >> reporter: you mean willfully blocking all the president's ideas. come on, jon. he even went on a state of the union dream date with ted nugent. that is their bucket list. they just haven't updated it in half a century. getting their baseball gloves signed by herman killbrew is still on there >> jon: that won't happen. just out of curiosity what's next on your bucket list >> reporter: not talking to you, that's for sure. if you excuse me i am off to shoot a panda with a cross bow. >> jon: your dying dream is to kill a panda >> reporter: no, jon. it's to eat one. you have to kill it first. >> jon: all right. thank you, sam.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight stars on cbs's blue blood. also the executive producer of tnt's new reality show about boston's police officers called boston's finest >> i don't want to get up at 5:00 in the morning and go to boxing. i think of being in a foot chase and losing. there's the chance you'll be fighting for your life on the side of the road where your back-up is a minute away. i have to stay on top of my game. it could save my life. it could save my partner's life. >> dig it in. dig it in. >> that's a tremendous amount of responsibility that i take very seriously. >> jon: please welcome donnie wahlberg. ( cheers and applause )
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my man. look at you. sharp as a tack, my friend. sharp as a tack. how are you? >> i'm good. i felt the need to dress up tonight >> jon: can i tell you something? much respect to you. many of our guests come here and they believe it's the last stop, the qaboos. they come in with like a sack, a thing. they don't care. you, sir, >> i care jon: thank you i care jon: i appreciate that. now, you're playing a new york city cop on your show. you're doing a show about boston cops. i feel like you are getting ready to pull some [bleep] on the east coast. >> i think i've been already pulling some [bleep] on the east coast for the last few years. playing a new york cop and being from boston is very, very delicate. it's very delicate. and the writers on blue blood, you know, they love to needle me because they know i'm a celtics, red sox, bruins, patriots fan.
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>> jon: that's all the time we have for tonight. thank you for being here though. >> but, you know, they write lines for me like "the patriots suck." >> jon: just to taunt you my partner was date ago guy who was a patriots' fan. my only response was dump the jerk. they constantly are needling me besides the fact that the patriots lost the super bowl and they had to come back from the super bowl trying to everyone on set putting posters on my dressing room door and giants' banners everywhere and pictures of eli manning >> jon: i have that in my room too but it's different. i have a bed spread of him. it makes me feel comfortable. you've had your run though. boston has had, you know, you're dealing in our city we don't want to talk sports all of them. the rangers we have one championship in 90 years. the knicks had a couple in the '70s. i'm a mets fan >> (scratterred applause n) jon: that is the appropriate level of enthusiasm. >> if it's any consolation when the mets last won it was against
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my red sox in that very famous bill buckner play. we shouldn't talk sports. i have to say this bill buckner thing. let me clear this up. bill buckner when he missed that ball the game was already tied. it had slipped away. our bullpen was tired. slipping away. the play before that, bob stanley was pitching >> jon: they never should have brought stanley in >> i believed stanley would win it for us. >> jon: of course you would believe that. you're from boston >> i still wake up some mornings and say, did wexd lose? but bob stanley threw an inside pitch. rich gedman didn't move enough for them. that was the play, the fastball tied the game. i saw rich in interviews later. i love you, rich. he said, "i was so cold in that last inning that i couldn't really move. i was kind of stuck frozen." to me that was validation that he didn't get to that ball that bill stanley threw. >> jon: a boston guy and it must have been 50 degrees that night. i can't believe... "i was too
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cold"? it was october. they didn't play in antarctica. come on! >> here's the thing. the mets won. and all that suffering we went through led us up to 2004 when we kicked the yankees' ass. >> jon: the detail in which you remember that is the same as the detail in which i remember these things. my wife, whom i love and i've been with almost 20 years, there is nothing in our world that i have that level of detail remembrance of. like she'd be like remember our wedding? i'd be like, oh, yeah, there was a cake. when you're talking about baseball. he was wearing a very light sweater. the level of detail that you remember these sports moments is incredible. let's talk about the cop shows. so the boston guys, the boston cops must have been a little reluctant to get involved with this. yes? >> i think any cop worth their
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salt don't want to just get involved in a reality show right away. i think for me, you know, i know playing a cop i play one on tv. i don't want to make light of that. i've worked with cops and probably played 800 jobs in my acting career. i've had 801 jobs and 800 were cops. that's beside the point. that's helped me and prepared me to be the right guy to produce this show. i think i know... >> jon: they trusted you by the fact that you're from there. you've hung around cops. they trust you you with this >> i'm a boston boy. i'm sort of known in boston. thank you. i'm sort of known. you know, when we first talked to tnt about doing the show, me and my partners went and met with them. they were like we're talking about doing a boston cop show. i said, look, we'll only do it with you, with this network. we can't do it on one of these rowdy networks with billy club smashing... >> jon: it won't be like the shirtless guys getting pulled out of... >> once in a while. but it's boston. i have to represent my city the right way. i'm not going to make these crazy reality shows that people make. i want to make something classy
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that shows these cops in boston >> jon: how difficult a job it is >> absolutely. so we went to the mayor first. the mayor, he signed off right away. and the commissioner signed off after that. and the chief signed off after that. all the way down the line they were signing off. they all said the same thing. talk to the officers. if they don't feel safe with you in the car, you're getting out of the car and taking your camera and go home. as long as the officers wanted to do. the officers, having played a cop and worked like a new york city detectives, our technical advisors on blue bloods, he's taught me the most important thiblg. all about getting home safely to your family. do your job. protect the street. protect your partner and get home safe at the end of the day. i knew that and brought that to the show. me and the whole... >> jon: boston's finest. going to premiere on tnt this wednesday at 9:00. blue blood. donnie wahlberg,
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